I haven’t quite been myself lately. I laugh, but not from the gut. I cry, but not so much that I get lost in it and can’t stop. Eating, now that’s been out of control. I recently lost thirty pounds in six months. Well, seventeen of them came back over the past ninety days. I tend to eat when sad or under stress. A few nights I was binge eating. Everything in sight. Slim Jims, cookies, fudge, Pop Tarts, cheese, Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. Washed it all down with a soda. Just junk eating.
I am dealing with a lot of stuff. You know, the kind of stuff that makes you ruminate. In fact, ruminating is what made me think of starting this blog. I tend to think a lot. I mean, a lot. I talk about what I’m going to do, make TO DO lists, get my planner out, consult my friends to see where I can rustle up some help. Two heads are always better than one. But some of the stuff I’m dealing with is just between me and God. I can’t even mention it here, because it’s too sensitive. It’s tough stuff, though. Trust me on that. Some of the stuff I’m dealing with brings up other stuff. Sort of like collateral stuff. Just more stuff to worry about. My pastor tells me to turn my stuff over to God. Lighten my burden. Let Him help me. I usually do that. For a moment. Then I find myself taking back my stuff. Like only I can give it the attention it deserves. Silly, though. Because whenever I am jammed up about my stuff, I don’t have time for little things like remembering to pay my car insurance. Or gassing up the car.
Stuff can be very demanding. It wants you to pay strict attention to it. Like it’s saying to me, “So what are you going to do about this?” My typical smart-mouthed answer is, “Nothing right now, so leave me alone.” But man is this stuff ever persistent. And some stuff is just right there in your face. Like this new stuff where I can’t seem to type. I used to be good at it. Fifty-five words a minute with minimal mistakes. Now I am constantly backing up and fixing things. This post is taking me twice as long as it should because of idiotic typos. Missing letters. Wrong letters, Fingers in the wrong position on the keyboard. Slashes instead of periods. Semi-colons instead of the letter l. It’s starting to annoy me.
So stuff can really tend to get in the way. It can become all-consuming. It has the potential to totally throw us off our game. And of course, I worry constantly about looking like an idiot, so I am even more careful when dealing with stuff. I thought at first that being more diligent would help, but it doesn’t. I think the only thing I can to is to slow down and think carefully about every decision, every keystroke, every chess move, every word that comes out of my mouth. Eventually, this stuff will stop happening, and I can get back to being perfect again. Right?