Why do I feel so empty?
Eyes closed, I see
Only gray.
Not even darkness.
I hear my heart thumping
In my head and
I wonder why
I’m even here.
I clasp my hands together
As if in prayer;
Maybe I’m hoping my
Inherited faith will
Accord me some dimension.
This cold emptiness
Undermines me, and,
To an extent, adds
To my predicament.
Too many things interrupt
My awareness of meaning,
Which feeds my
Uncertainty.
I vacillate, not sure
If it is “I” that believes
Or my ancestors
Believing through me.
If my meaning has been
Stamped on my heart by
Someone else, someone
Who is not me,
Someone who is less than God,
Then it is a phony meaning,
And is, perhaps, why I
Feel so empty.
©2017 Steven Barto
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Published by The Accidental Poet
I am a Christian in recovery following four decades of active addiction. I have a B.S. in Psychology and an M.A. in Theological Studies from Colorado Christian University, and I will be pursuing an M.A. in Divinity at Denver Seminary in May 2021. My focus is on evangelism and apologetics, doctrinal studies, and working with individuals struggling with mental health and substance abuse issues. To me, there is no "higher power" than Jesus Christ, who broke the chain of addiction in my life. I will be seeking a position as a prison chaplain and/an associate or teaching pastor upon completing my MDiv. I am currently looking for a position at a drug and alcohol rehab, where I intend to work during the three-year master's program at Denver Seminary. I believe in the power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain. I believe counseling must include discipline, and discipling must include counseling.
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