triggers

Healing Emotional Wounds From Your Past

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And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28, NASB)

Dan and Cindy were a fine, young Christian couple preparing for ministry on the mission field. Then tragedy struck. Cindy was attacked and raped by a stranger in the parking lot one night after work. The police were unable to find her attacker, and Cindy had a hard time bringing any closure to the nightmare. The trauma was so severe that Dan and Cindy moved out of the city. As hard as she tried to get back to normal life, Cindy couldn’t shake the horrible memories and feelings from her experience. She was trapped by her trauma.

One of the most vital things we can learn regarding our Christian life is how to handle the trials that will inevitably come our way. Many Christians naively expect a life of joy once they have accepted Christ as Lord and Savior. When hit with adversity, they begin to doubt the love of God. Why me? I love the Lord. I go to church. New believers, especially those who have emerged from a life of failure, are looking for success in their new life, not suffering.

Romans 8:28 is one of the most familiar verses on this subject. The NASB translation states, “God causes all things to work together for good.” Let’s not come away thinking this verse says God causes the very thing itself in order to bring about good in the life of the believer. It is saying, rather, that things don’t just happen to work out for good on their own. God providentially works all things together for good for His people according to His purpose. But while Romans 8:28 is a source of great comfort when it is properly understood, it is often misunderstood and misapplied.

BAD THINGS DO HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

Your story may not be as severe as Cindy’s, but all of us have hurtful, traumatic experiences in our past that have scarred us emotionally. You may have grown up with a physically, emotionally or sexually abusive parent. You may have been severely frightened as a child. Maybe you have suffered through a painful relationship in the past: a broken friendship, the untimely death of a loved one, a divorce. Any number of traumatic events in your past can leave you holding a lot of emotional baggage. Those experiences are buried in our memories and available for instant recall when we least expect it.

The cycle of emotions goes like this: (1) previous life history determines the intensity of primary emotions you experience when (2) a present event triggers the memory of your past trauma, then (3) you perform a mental evaluation in order to manage your present emotional response, attempting to apply reason, resulting (4) in a secondary emotional response, typically far less intense than your primary emotional reaction. Of course, many of these primary emotions lie dormant within you and have little effect on your life until something triggers them. Perhaps you’ve seen this happen when a seemingly innocuous conversation you are having with someone sends him or her storming out of the room. What set him off? you wonder. You unwittingly touched a nerve.

The problem is, you cannot isolate yourself completely from everything that may set off an emotional response. You are bound to see something on TV, or hear something in a conversation, that will bring to mind your unpleasant experience. Something in your past is unresolved, and therefore it still has a hold on you. I once heard it said that when we fail to deal with past events that have caused emotional baggage, we tend to bring the emotions of that past trauma into our current relationships. When this happens, our decisions are not so much undertaken by us as they are driven by the emotions of the prior event.

LEARNING TO RESOLVE PRIMARY EMOTIONS

You have no control over a primary emotion when it is triggered in the present, because it is rooted in the past. Therefore, it doesn’t do any good to feel guilty about something you can’t control. You can, however, stabilize the primary emotion by evaluating it in light of present circumstances. For example, suppose you meet a man named Bill. He looks hauntingly like the Bill who used to beat you up as a child. Although he is not the same person, your primary emotion will be triggered. So you quickly tell yourself, “This is not the same Bill; give him the benefit of the doubt.” This mental evaluation produces a secondary emotion that is a combination of the past and the present.

You have done this thousands of times, and you have also helped others do the same. When people fly off the handle, you try to help them cool down by talking to them. You are helping them gain control of themselves by making them think; by putting the present situation into perspective. Notice how this works the next time you are watching a football game and tempers explode on the field. On player grabs an enraged teammate and says, “Listen, meathead, you’re going to cost us a 15-yard penalty and maybe the game if you don’t simmer down!”

Some Christians assert that the past doesn’t have any effect on them because they are new creations in Christ. I would have to disagree, and here’s why. Either they are extremely fortunate to have a conflict-free past, or they are living in denial. Those who have had major past traumas and have learned how to resolve them in Christ know how devastating past experiences can be. Many Christians have brought their major traumatic experiences to counseling sessions. Some have been abused to such an extent that they have no conscious memory of their experiences. Others constantly avoid anything that will stimulate those painful memories. Most don’t know how to resolve those past experiences, so they have developed myriad defense mechanisms to cope. Some live in denial. Others rationalize their problems, or try to suppress the pain by an excess of food, sex, drugs and alcohol, or other vices.

A major role of psychotherapy is to determine the root of primary emotions. Sometimes psychotherapists resort to hypnosis or pharmacotherapy to get at the sources of their clients’ problems. I worked for eighteen months in a dissociative disorders unit at a psychiatric hospital outside of Philadelphia, PA. Dissociative disorders involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity or perception. People with dissociative disorders use dissociation, a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily. Dissociative disorders are thought to be primarily caused by previous severe psychological trauma. Patients suffering from possible multiple personality disorder are sometimes treated with sodium amytal interviews in order to assess and manage catatonia, hysterical stupor, and unexplained muteness, as well as in distinguishing between depressive, schizophrenic, and organic stuporous states. My clinical experience at that psychiatric facility involved treating women allegedly suffering from multiple personality disorder, which was thought to be caused by severe, long-term physical or psychological trauma during childhood and early adolescence.

SEE YOUR PAST IN LIGHT OF WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST

I have come to believe that the answer for repressed memories is found in Psalm 139:23-24, which states, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (NIV)

How does God intend you to resolve your past experiences? In two ways. First, understand that you are no longer a product of your past. You are a new creation in Christ: a product of Christ’s work on the cross. You have the privilege of evaluating your past experience in light of who you are today, as opposed to who you were then. The intensity of the primary emotion was initially established by how you perceived the event at the time it happened. People are not in bondage to past traumas so much as they are in bondage to the lies they believed about themselves, God, and how to live as a result of the trauma. That is why truth sets you free.

As a Christian, you are literally a new creature in Christ Jesus. Old things, including the traumas of your past, passed away. (2 Corinthians 5:17) The old you in Adam is gone; the new you in Christ is here to stay. We have all been victimized, lo, even traumatized, but whether we remain victims is up to us. An old-timer I knew in Alcoholics Anonymous used to share, “Victims drink!” Those primary emotions are rooted in the lies we believed in the past. Now we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds. (See Romans 12:2) The flesh patterns are still imbedded in our minds when we become new creations in Christ, but we can crucify the flesh and choose to walk by the Spirit. (See Galatians 5:22-25)

Now that you are in Christ, you can look at past events from the perspective of who you are today. You may be struggling with the question, “Where was God when all this was happening to me?” The omnipresent God was there, and He sent His own Son to redeem you from your past. The truth is, He is in your life right now desiring to release you from your past. That is the Gospel: the “Good News” that Christ Jesus came to set the captives free. Perceiving past traumatic events from the vantage point of your new identity in Christ is what starts the process of healing those damaged or toxic emotions.

FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT YOU

The next step in resolving past conflicts is to forgive those who have offended you.  You have to break free from the typical mindset of, “Why should I forgive him? You don’t seem to understand how bad he hurt me!” The first reason is that forgiveness is required by God. As soon as Jesus spoke the “amen” to his model prayer – which included a petition for God’s forgiveness – He commented, “For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” (See Matthew 18:14-15) We must base our relationship with others on the same criteria on which God bases His relationship with us: love, acceptance, and forgiveness. (See Matthew 18:21-35)

The second reason is because forgiveness is necessary to avoid entrapment by Satan. Unforgiveness is the number one snare Satan uses to gain entrance to our lives. I read a terrific book on this subject by John Bevere (2004) called The Bait of Satan: Living Free From the Deadly Trap of Offense. In his preface, Bevere says, “The issue of offense – the very core of The Bait of Satan – is often the most difficult obstacle an individual must face and overcome.” Bevere tells us the Greek word for “offend” used by Jesus in Luke 17:1 is skandalon, which originally referred to the part of an animal trap to which the bait was attached for luring the animal. In similar fashion regarding the sin of offense, the word signifies laying a trap in someone’s way! Paul encourages us to forgive “in order that no advantage be taken of us by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his schemes.” (See 2 Corinthians 2:11)

The third reason is simple: forgiveness is required of all believers who desire to be like Christ. Paul wrote, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV)

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?

Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting may be a beneficial long-term byproduct of forgiving, but it is never a means to forgiveness. When God says He will remember our sins no more (See Hebrews 10:17), He is not saying, “I will forget them.” God is omniscient; He cannot forget. Rather, He is saying He will never use our past against us. He will remove it from us as far as the east is from the west. (See Psalm 103:12) Moreover, forgiveness does not involve tolerance for sin. It is proper to forgive someone’s past sins, but we must take a stand against future sin.

Forgiveness does not seek revenge or demand repayment for offenses suffered. A friend of mine is notorious for saying, “I’m all about paybacks!” I told him he must not seek retribution no matter what the offense. He said, “You mean I’m just supposed to let them off the hook?” I might have gotten through to him the last time we spoke. I said, “Yes, you let them off your hook realizing that God does not let them off His hook.” We may feel like exacting justice, but we are not an impartial judge. God is the just judge who will make everything right in the end. “‘Vengeance is Mine. I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (See Romans 12:19)

Forgiveness means resolving to live with the consequences of another person’s offense. In reality, we have to live with the consequences whether we forgive the offending person or not. Actually, we are all living with the consequences of Adam’s sin. I can’t count the number of people – believers and non-believers alike – who don’t think that this is fair. Some have even gone as far as to insist they would have obeyed God and not eaten from the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Obviously, we’ll never know, will we? So our only real choice is simple: either live with the consequences of the Fall in the bondage of bitterness and offense, or in the freedom of forgiveness.

 

12 Steps Back to the Bottle

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My previous sponsor sent me something I felt compelled to share. I’m certain most of you in recovery have heard of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). Each can truly be a trigger for relapse. The following, however, really puts things into perspective.

  1. Exhaustion. Allowing yourself to become overly tired or in poor health. Some alcoholics are also prone to work addictions, perhaps in a hurry to make up for lost time. Good health and enough rest are important. If you feel well, you are more apt to think well. Feel poorly and your thinking is likely to deteriorate. Feel bad enough and you might begin thinking a drink couldn’t make it any worse.
  2. Dishonesty. This begins with a pattern of unnecessary little lies and deceits with co-workers, friends and family. Then come important lies you tell yourself. This is called rationalizing. Making excuses for not doing what you do not want to do, or doing what you should not do.
  3. Impatience. Things are not happening fast enough. Others are not doing what they should do or what you want them to do.
  4.  Argumentativeness. Arguing small and ridiculous points of view indicates a need to always be right. “Why don’t you be reasonable and agree with me?” Looking for an excuse to drink?
  5. Depression. Unreasonable and unaccountable despair (hopeless, helpless) may occur in cycles, and should be dealt with or talked about. The best way to deal with depression is to take some form of action.
  6. Frustration. Toward life, at people, and also because things may not be going your way. Remember, everything is not going to be just the way you want it.
  7. Self-Pity. Feeling sorry for yourself. Why do these things happen to me? Why must I be an alcoholic? Chemically dependent? Nobody appreciates all the things I’m doing for them.
  8. Cockiness. Got it made. No longer fearing alcoholism or chemical dependency. Going into drinking situations to prove to others you have no problem. Do this often enough and it will wear down your defenses.
  9. Complacency. “Drinking was the furthest thing from my mind.” Not drinking was no longer a conscious thought either. It’s dangerous to let up just because everything is going well. To always have a little fear is a good thing. More relapses occur when things are going well than otherwise.
  10. Expecting Too Much From Others. “I’ve changed, why hasn’t everyone else?” It’s a plus if they do, but it is still your problem if they don’t. They do not trust you yet, and may still be looking for further proof. You cannot expect others to change their lifestyle just because you have.
  11. Letting Up on Disciplines. Prayer, meditation, daily inventory, attendance at meetings. This can stem either from complacency or boredom. You cannot afford to be bored with your program. The cost of relapse is always too great.
  12. It Can’t Happen to Me. This is dangerous thinking. Almost anything can happen to you if you get careless. Remember, you have a progressive terminal disease, and you will be in worse shape if you relapse.

But What If I Can’t Be Fixed?

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I’m so down the scale from where I want to be. If I’m not careful, I can buy into a back story that I come from pain and badness and dishonesty and using people. A place where forgiveness can never be had. Second changes are just words in a country song. Where people say, “We’ve heard it all before Steve.” To them, nothing sounds different. And I don’t blame them. They HAVE heard many versions of this “apology.” I don’t want to hear it again, they say. Nothing’s changed.

Oh, but I have changed! I’m completely different now. First, this is not true. For the moment, your attitude has changed. You’re speaking the words of apology, but there has not been a core change down in your soul. The rewiring in your brain that tends to get you thinking and obsessing over drugs and drinking has not changed. It cant’! Not that soon. It took years to rewire your brain to behave in a certain way. Years! Your brain has been hard wired and that’s a big thing. It’s the only thing. The sound of a lighter flicking, the smell of a match burning, the gurgling of a bong, the crackle of a rock of crack, hell, even the smell inside your favorite drug store (if you are into pills) will bring you face-to-face with the desire to get high. These memories are jammed full of memory. Of experience.

This is why the newcomer is told to stay away from all situations that remind him or her of using drugs or getting drunk. Your mood changes when  you’re triggered. Perhaps you’re mad at someone, and may feel completely justified in your anger. You’re ready to walk away from everyone just to be right. It is those positions that tear at your sobriety. It eats at the last bit of self-control you have, and you’re off on a tangent. Sobriety is the least thing you have on your mind right now.  You’re in dangerous territory. The land of primal hatred and total meltdown. This is the type of anger that will make you run red lights with your kids in the back seat. It’s the kind of anger that will build in to a resentment.

This change in brain wiring is so subtle, we don’t realize it happened. Certain chemical reactions are already being set up. Repeating the behavior tends to make certain the same neuronal firing will happen again. As this pattern gets stronger, the habit gets stronger. It becomes harder to pick up the phone and call someone to talk about what’s up. I know the analogy that the phone becomes twelve-hundred pounds, but it’s worse than that. The desire to even try to pick it up is not there. In fact, the phone is not even on your mind. Nerves, fear of rejection, sweaty palms, shortness of breath, and even chest palpitations. All designed to keep you from using the phone.

This cycle has to be broken or you will live a sad life of using and lying and breaking hearts and ruining relationships, You see, people get tired of hearing the same old excuses. Interpersonal relationship are a funny thing. They form in any situation. Eventually, the feeling comes that you are being objectified and lied to by your addict loved one. That you are not hearing what the person is actually up to. Instead, you’re hearing him or her read from a one-act play where he or she is in the leading role and is also directing the action. This type of dialog never leads to growth.

What is the key? Willingness. If the addict is not willing to change, everything you say is bullshit. It’s all part of a play you wrote called “I’m okay now. Everything is different.” In fact, everything is wrong. You are struggling with cravings. Things you think about or people you run into are triggering you to want to use. Hell, even songs on the radio and smells in the pharmacy can trigger you. It is during this period that you must use the phone. You have to call and tell on yourself. Get in tight with God. Go to him when you are tempted in this way. There is no amount of human power that can relieve this suffering. Only God can. And He will if you call upon him.

It’s simple, just get on your knees and ask Him for His help and protection. And get to a meeting.